Friday, October 24, 2008

Shhh...We Don't Live Together Yet!

The most controversial wedding decision that Andrew and I have yet to make is one that we are not making. Simply put, we've decided not to live together before we get married.

Here are some stats I gathered on this topic:

There are 9.7 million Americans living with an unmarried different-sex partner and 1.2 million American living with a same-sex partner. 11% of unmarried partners are same-sex couples.- U.S. Census Bureau, 2000

41% of American women ages 15-44 have cohabited (lived with an unmarried different-sex partner) at some point. This includes 9% of women ages 15-19, 38% of women ages 20-24, 49% of women ages 25-29, 51% of women ages 30-34, 50% of women ages 35-39, and 43% of women ages 40-44. - Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. "Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the United States." Vital Health and Statistics Series 23, Number 22, Department of Health and Human Services, 2002.

The number of unmarried couples living together increased 72% between 1990 and 2000.- U.S. Census Bureau, 2000

55% of different-sex cohabitors get married within 5 years of moving in together. 40% break up within that same time period. About 10% remain in an unmarried relationship five years or longer.- Smock, Pamela (2000). "Cohabitation in the United States." Annual Review of Sociology.
All of this information has been gathered courtesy of

Why am I not joining the 49% of women in my age bracket who live with their partners before marriage? There are a few reasons and I am happy to share them. The first is that I relish being single. Don't get me wrong, I can not wait to marry Andrew, but in the meantime, I want to treasure nights snuggled up in my bed, face mask on and Godiva Ice Cream in tow reading trashy novels without judgement, long conversations with my girlfriends without an audience, painting my toenails while I watch "Grey's Anatomy", and all other "Secret Single" (a la Carrie Bradshaw) behavior that Andrew loathes before I make the move to move in with my boy. The next reason is because I do my best (though I do not always succeed) to follow the tenants of my religious faith. I don't mean to say that those who live with their significant others are somehow wrong, immoral or "sinners", but simply to say that this was not the right choice for me based on my personal beliefs. The final reason is pretty cut and dry. My parents are making a generous contribution to the wedding and have threatened not to if we live together; as a city school employee, suffice to say that I would have a hard time paying for the wedding of my dreams on my own...

That being said, I can understand the many reasons why people do live together before marriage (and am more than occasionally jealous of those who do). Bills are pretty expensive, especially in this economy, and it would be nice to have someone to split them with. Over half of these relationships end in marriage, but some do not; perhaps those who live together first avoid what could have potentially been disastrous marriages. That, and I can definitely understand the desire to have your loved one near. It makes perfect sense to me, and I judge not. We all have to make the choices that are right for us.

What bothers me, I guess, is how much I have been called upon to defend my beliefs on this matter. I usually just give people the last reason (about the parental wedding support) and it seems to nip the conversation in the bud. However, it would be best not to have to defend my position at all. As Rodney King once replied in a much more urgent situation, "Can't we all just get along?". After all, aren't weddings supposed to be about love?

What do you think? What did you decide about living together before marriage and why did you make that choice?


Linda said...

I lived with my hubby before we got married. It worked out for us, but before I met him I would have never considered living together before marriage. To each their own, whatever works for you.

ka1t_lyn said...

I'm not living with Ryan until we are married and I am glad to see someone else on the other end of the 49%. Yay for you, pretty soon you don't have to say goodbye at night anymore :)

heather said...

This was a huge decision for me. My religious beliefs also state that living together before marriage is a no-no. We dated for about 2.5 years before getting engaged, and we moved in together about 3 months after getting engaged, 1 year before getting married. It was a very hard decision for me to make. I want to do right by God, but I was also staying at his place 5 nights out of 7, and we were both struggling to pay off debt and pay our bills.
It is funny because I usually have to defend my reasons for moving in with him now that we live together. I do miss living by myself, I regret that once we get married not much will change from how it is now, and I often pray for forgiveness for living in sin. However, living together has helped us both financially, and we have grown so much closer in the last few months. I am glad we live together, but I would have been happy to wait too :)